i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
