I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
