You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize