got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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