look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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