i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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