Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
