can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
