Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
