there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
