Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize