it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
