why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
