Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
