so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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