I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
