If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize