That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm having to shit out rocks
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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