Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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