She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
