He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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