Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
