why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
