Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
