the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
