I just gift wrapped bread.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
