Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
