so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
