My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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