God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
