Are we in a gay sports bar?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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