Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
