just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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