Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
