I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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