Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
