i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize