R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
