Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
