oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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