your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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