babies were throwing up all over the place
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
