grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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