I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They took my balls.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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