I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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