someone owes me an orgasm
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
