you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
