I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So much rum. So many feels.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
