I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
