I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
