I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
