I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
