I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
