I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
