Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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