Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
