He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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