just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
