Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
